I got the Job!

Im no longer an at home bum.. I now have a job. Working at Wal-Mart Electronics Department.

Tommorow is orientation for the job. Starting at $6.25/hr.

Woohoo.. I may be able to buy back XyberDAWG.com soon.. :)

Darn it..

Its not Jayna whos sucking me in.. yeah.. sure she may do it a bit..

but.. My prob is that Im just too darn sweet.. Just realized it today.. when a 2nd girl told me..

Crap.. I am the cause of my probs.. I cause Jayna to like me.. I cause the other girl to like me.. Im not complaining on either..

but.. I am just so confused.. Both of them mean so much to me.. and both of them have no idea what they do to me.. sure. they may have a slight Idea.. but niether of them have seen me when im going crazy...

The other one. I just cant let my self get too worked up over tho.. she lives too far away. But I hate the fact that she has to be lonely all the time..

well thats enought for tonight..

Feeling much better...

I went on my first Job interview at Wal-Mart. (My first Interview period) they called while I was out doing my paper route, I have an appointment for a 2nd interview tomarrow at 1PM.. So if all goes well, I may have a job fairly soon in the Electronics Dept of Wal-Mart. My regular Schedule would be Wed, Fri, and Sunday evenings, so I will nolonger be able to be online during those times.. if I get the job.

Sorry , I wont be able to chat w/ ya those days.. Dont worry.. there are other days :)

Hope things work out for all of you...

Talk to you later.

Oh... and my rage is finally starting to subside.. I no longer look like a Yellow haired, Blue Eyed, Super Monkey :P

I did finally get some sleep.. I started dreaming.. which caused me to relax.. Bible didnt help me fall asleep at all.. so after I read a bit.. I turned on the radio.. and fell asleep fast...

Cant Sleep

I went to sleep crying at 10:30 or so.. I was able to get 2 hours of sleep in.. completely dreamless. For me thats a bad thing.. When I dont dream, its cause im too worried to sleep. I find peace in chaos, in action, in noise ect. Thus when my mind isnt dreaming.. its too quiet for me

Someone told me something last night that really got my blood boiling.. Im not gonna repeat it.. cause it was too private for that individual. But I am a very laid back, nothing bothers me kinda guy, but what this individual told me made me wanna drive out to where this person lives and severly harm Another Person.

Even if I dreamed about doing that.. Id sleep easier.. at least I know what my mind is thinking, and it would relax me. If I cant sleep w/in the next hour.. I think im just gonna start reading the bible again.. its been a while since I was in the habbit of reading it. But I think tonight is gonna be a good night to start.

Double Jayna Weekend

Last night was Jayna's Closing Night of the play her school was putting on.

Your A Good Man Charlie Brown

The play was cute, and funny, but also.. rather depressing, I AM CHARLIE BROWN... I am a pathetic loser.. Nearly every scene w/ charlie brown sounded just like me

Didnt get to talk to Jayna much more than 5 min that night.. she was very busy w/ the play, and other stuff.. but I gave her a single rose (Everyone else gave her 3, 6, or 12 roses) My rose was a Yellow Rose, but it had Red Accents along the edges, It was such a beautiful flower, I saw it amongst all the red, and Yellow roses, and it just stuck out as unique, and Beautiful, and at the same time Lonely.. It reminded me so much of Jayna it was unreal.

I gave it to her after the play, Right away she said what a Beautiful Rose It was. I then gave her my Playbill, and she signed it, Just her name, then she added a decent size heart above her name. (When my grandma saw that in my Playbill when I got home, First thing she asked is.. "Are you getting right back where you were?")

I went to sleep as soon as I got home, I was so tired.

Today, I talked to her online for a lil bit. And she said how she LOVED my rose, then she made a small remark about "Roberts were pretty too" but it was an obvious second thought.. like she didnt want anyone to know she liked mine soo much. She then told me that all the flowers she got are alive and well, except one dozen red rozes that Paul got her. which were all dead... I immediately said that its just like her relationships w/ everyone. Everyone gets along just fine w/ her.. but Paul and her friendship has been totally strained.. Today at the RollarSkating party, Jayna was perfectly fine when I got there.. but less than an hour into it.. She went completely silent.. (EVEN TO ME) I knew something was wrong.. He face lacked feeling.. and thats not something you see offten on her. Paul did it again.. He totaly pissed her off.

Well I won 2 races, and got 2 prizes, first one was a Tigger McDonalds toy.. I gave that to a friend of mine who absolutly LOVES tigger. The second prize I got was a Plush Baseball. Jayna was sitting over on the side, and she still looked ticked off.. so I tossed her the baseball, and she just smiled at me..

Tho between her, Amy, Jen, and me wrestling,and playing w/ the Baseball, I think it helped to get her mind off of things.. so it worked a lil.

but til the end of the night she just seemed in a rotten mood.

It was killing me to know she was mad.. And I think she knew it.. Well.. not too bad of a weekend.. it coulda been ALOT worse!

Oh yeah.. I have an interview for Wal-Mart's Electronics Section Monday at 1:00PM so I may have a possible Job soon.. :)

later

My over 2 year old Driving Permit...

Yeah.. Ill have had my Permit 3 years in about 6 months

But I finally drove again (after about a year of not driving) yesterday..

It seems Jayna is the motivation I needed to get me going..

I really do wanna get my licence now.. So I can drive down to see her occationally.

Im starting to get a little bit ansy.. less than 2 days left till I see Jayna again :) Im going to the Closing Night of her Play..

ive been looking forward to this night for 3 months.. lol

but im now getting nervous about the Formal Dance Im supposed to go to w/ her.. (not sure when it is yet)

Odd dream?

Ok.. now this was a strange dream... It wasnt a dream w/ Jayna in it.. no.. it had another girl I know.. shes about 9 or 10.. I guess...

But I was "Babysitting" her because her grandma and aunt had to go somewhere.. She has stayed the night at our house towards the end of my senior year (Last year) Normally this girl is always yelling at me.. telling me not to look at her (When im actually looking at someone behind her) and she was that way that night that she stayed over at our house.. but the next morning.. she didnt leave my side.. she sat right next to me.. and cuddled up to me.. she was like a poor little puppy dog.. she just loved me to death..

After that day she went back to the yelling at me/Hiding from me.. her grandma and aunt said they thought she had a major crush on me. It was flattering.. even tho she was still in Elementary School at the time.

Shes continued w/ the whole hiding/yelling thing till the first skating party of this year... she told me to sign her Soccer jersey.. She acted like "Fine.. you wanna sign it sign it.." you could tell she really did want me to sign it.. but she didnt want anyone to know that. She wants everyone to think she HATES my guts.. lol

The very next skating party she was telling me to shut up.. and to stop looking at her.. (I never talked or looked at her once lol) so I replied w/ a simple "You know you like me!" and then gave her a little smirk.. she just replied w/ a HUGE "Ewwwwwwww.... thats gross!" I started busting out laughing.. it was so hilarious to see her reaction.. she turned all red.. but continued to act like she was about to puke.

Well the other night at the Kingdom Hall (Emily and Jerr, you might refer to this as Church) I caught her looking at me a few times.. I would try and not look at her.. cause It wasnt really the place to burst out laughing.. but Inside I was dying of laughter as she kept trying to hide that she was looking at me (She had to turn around and look at me.. she was sitting in the last row and I was standing in the back.)

I guess this spawned my dream..

I dreamt I was babysitting her.. and I took her to the Mall.. and took her shopping.. (very odd.. first of all.. she was acting all nice and well-behaved.. but she did continue to hang all over me.. (It did make me uncomfortable.. even in my dream) but we found a few nice things for her.. and for somereason.. unbenownst to me.. I picked up a Philadelphia Flyers Shirt.. and told her that I think it would look cute on her.. (Dont ask me why.. I dont understand my dreams at all.. I just somehow rem them very clearly) )

Am I the only one that finds dreaming about going shopping w/ a little girl odd.. I know I dont like her.. cause that would be just plain SICK!...

but It may just be different things that happend that day that combined together.. her looking at me.. Thinking about the hockey game I went to a few weeks ago... and going shopping way too much this week.. I hope thats all it is.. IM MAKING IT ALL IT IS.. cause anything else is just plain sick.. and wrong!

Interesting Development

I was talking to Jayna last night.. We started about us again.. Why do we keep doing this?

I told her about how Alot of my firsts were w/ her... she gave an "Oooooh"

She then wrote "(Bad Thought, Bad Thought) (Get out!)"

She said she was thinking of a first that she would love to be w/ me.. I knew exactly what she was thinking...

It was her first kiss.

Then I told her how she was the first person (Non-Fam) that I had held hands w/. She asked if I liked that.. I told her "Duh! Did I pull away at all?"

Then she Sent a :'( face.. and said "Sadly.. you wernt my first" To hold hands.

Then she said that I dont want her.. that shes a bad girl, and that shes nothing but trouble..

My reply was.. In that case I love trouble.. ;)

Another big Awe from her.

She then said that the perfect song for both of us right now is "Fallin" by Alica Keys.

She admited last night that she has been fallin in and out of love w/ me this whole time.

And to think.. when that song first came out.. I applied it to Amy.. :(

Man.. looks like I've gotten much deeper than I thought..

At this rate.. it looks like Theres no way im gonna make my goal of starting to date at 25.. I wouldnt be surprised at this rate.. if we are dating in 2 years..

March 10, 2003 [23:00] XyberDAWG1984: Seriously.. I like it when you give me advice
March 10, 2003 [23:00] Hollenbach, Jayna: hmmm... that's a first
March 10, 2003 [23:00] Hollenbach, Jayna: from anyone
March 10, 2003 [23:00] XyberDAWG1984: well its absoultly true
March 10, 2003 [23:01] Hollenbach, Jayna: awesome
March 10, 2003 [23:01] XyberDAWG1984: theres a first for everything you know ;) haha :P
March 10, 2003 [23:01] Hollenbach, Jayna: of course
March 10, 2003 [23:01] XyberDAWG1984: and alot of my firsts.. are w/ you :P
March 10, 2003 [23:01] Hollenbach, Jayna: hmmm
March 10, 2003 [23:02] Hollenbach, Jayna: (bad thought bad thought) (get out)
March 10, 2003 [23:02] XyberDAWG1984: what?
March 10, 2003 [23:02] XyberDAWG1984: oh no...
March 10, 2003 [23:02] Hollenbach, Jayna: not that bad tho
March 10, 2003 [23:02] XyberDAWG1984: I wasnt thinking that bad
March 10, 2003 [23:02] XyberDAWG1984: so.. whats the "bad thought?"
March 10, 2003 [23:02] Hollenbach, Jayna: think about it
March 10, 2003 [23:02] XyberDAWG1984: or would you rather not say.. and leave it to my imagination
March 10, 2003 [23:02] XyberDAWG1984: lol
March 10, 2003 [23:02] Hollenbach, Jayna: guess
March 10, 2003 [23:03] XyberDAWG1984: im afraid to guess.. tho I have a few ideas
March 10, 2003 [23:03] Hollenbach, Jayna: what are they?
March 10, 2003 [23:03] XyberDAWG1984: honestly id rather not say
March 10, 2003 [23:03] Hollenbach, Jayna: ummm ok
March 10, 2003 [23:03] Hollenbach, Jayna: well say it anyway, lol
March 10, 2003 [23:04] XyberDAWG1984: my first Girlfriend?
March 10, 2003 [23:04] XyberDAWG1984: haha
March 10, 2003 [23:04] Hollenbach, Jayna: oooh well
March 10, 2003 [23:04] XyberDAWG1984: I honestly dont have a clue
March 10, 2003 [23:04] Hollenbach, Jayna: kiss ok kiss
March 10, 2003 [23:04] XyberDAWG1984: I was afraid to say that one
March 10, 2003 [23:04] XyberDAWG1984: but that was the first one I thought of
March 10, 2003 [23:05] Hollenbach, Jayna: lol we think too alike
March 10, 2003 [23:05] XyberDAWG1984: i know..
March 10, 2003 [23:05] Hollenbach, Jayna: but lets not think about that... bad thought bad thought... get out get out
March 10, 2003 [23:05] XyberDAWG1984: I know...
March 10, 2003 [23:05] XyberDAWG1984: but you were the first person Ive ever held hands w/...
March 10, 2003 [23:05] XyberDAWG1984: sides fam
March 10, 2003 [23:05] Hollenbach, Jayna: oooooo
March 10, 2003 [23:06] Hollenbach, Jayna: didja like it? ;-) lol
March 10, 2003 [23:06] XyberDAWG1984: I already told you that..
March 10, 2003 [23:06] XyberDAWG1984: it made our 2nd very special
March 10, 2003 [23:06] Hollenbach, Jayna: oh i guess you did
March 10, 2003 [23:06] Hollenbach, Jayna: hehe
March 10, 2003 [23:07] XyberDAWG1984: and anyways.. if I didnt like it.. I woulda pulled away.. but did I?
March 10, 2003 [23:07] Hollenbach, Jayna: noooo
March 10, 2003 [23:07] Hollenbach, Jayna: i'm sorry to say that you weren't my first for that :-[
March 10, 2003 [23:07] XyberDAWG1984: I know
March 10, 2003 [23:07] XyberDAWG1984: you told me bout darryl..
March 10, 2003 [23:07] Hollenbach, Jayna: i'm a bad girl :-[
March 10, 2003 [23:07] Hollenbach, Jayna: you don't want me
March 10, 2003 [23:08] XyberDAWG1984: not true
March 10, 2003 [23:08] XyberDAWG1984: not true at all
March 10, 2003 [23:08] Hollenbach, Jayna: i'm just trouble
March 10, 2003 [23:08] XyberDAWG1984: then I love trouble
March 10, 2003 [23:08] XyberDAWG1984: :)
March 10, 2003 [23:08] Hollenbach, Jayna: awe

I did have a dream last night about our first kiss.. It was a cute.. sweet kiss.. and It was full of meaning.. it was soo real.. and yet it was only a dream.

I was wrong yet again!

I thought I had gotten over her.. truth is.. I never did.. I love her more now than I did before.. I dont view her as a sister at all.. I view her as my dearest friend..


last night she told me that she was thinking about something..and wanted to say it.. but she didnt.. Well she told me today.. and now i seriously wish she wouldnt have told me.. She told me that when she was going over the first set of baptizm questions... the Elder told her that when she gets married to make sure the other person has similar thoughts. She wrote that and then giggled.. then said.. fact is.. that me and her offten have the SAME thoughts, then we started talking about the possibility of us getting together.

we wrote at the same time that we really need to stop thinking about that.. but hers had "Before something happens" after it.

She told me what it was that made her like me back in Jan.."the sweet personality you bestow". She said that right after she said

"I'm just telling you now that i do love you, but i'm too young to think about this stuff right now

I want to curse right now.. but Im holding back.. this is so hard.. after hearing that.. I dont know if I can ever get over her.. I really hope she stops saying stuff like that soon.. or else Im doomed to live this life.. Im gonna be stuck trying so hard not to let myself do anything id ever regret.. I know that if I had the chance to hold her hand again I would.. Robert invited me to go w/ him, Jen, and Jayna.. (Prolly a few others too) to his aunts beach house.. but I told him I couldnt..

I know that if I went.. Id be swimming when Jayna is swimming.. and Id prolly do what ive done to ever girl Ive liked in the water.. Id become the guy who cant keep his hands off the girl.. Id be carrying her around in the water.. dunking her.. and be extremely flirty...

I know I would.. I did it with Amy 2 years ago.. and I did it w/ and old worldy girl 5 years ago!

And I dont want to do that w/ Jayna.. I care about her too much to let myself do that.. This is killing me.. Im torn between what my Heart, Body, and Mind all want to do.. all 3 have separate agendas..

Mind just wants to remain friends.. till she is at least 25..

Heart wants to start dating now...

Body.. wants to go to the Beach house...

I gotta remain firm.. and stick to my mind.. rightnow its the smartest.. but its not as strong as my heart..

I gotta keep my sences.. I cant let myself do what it wants to...

Im gonna go Watch Inspector Gadget 2 now.. hopefully it will help get my mind off things.

I was wrong yet again!

I thought I had gotten over her.. truth is.. I never did.. I love her more now than I did before.. I dont view her as a sister at all.. I view her as my dearest friend..


last night she told me that she was thinking about something..and wanted to say it.. but she didnt.. Well she told me today.. and now i seriously wish she wouldnt have told me.. She told me that someone told her that when she gets married to make sure the other person has similar thoughts. She wrote that and then giggled.. then said.. fact is.. that me and her offten have the SAME thoughts, then we started talking about the possibility of us getting together.

we wrote at the same time that we really need to stop thinking about that.. but hers had "Before something happens" after it.

She told me what it was that made her like me back in Jan.."the sweet personality you bestow". She said that right after she said

"I'm just telling you now that i do love you, but i'm too young to think about this stuff right now

I want to curse right now.. but Im holding back.. this is so hard.. after hearing that.. I dont know if I can ever get over her.. I really hope she stops saying stuff like that soon.. or else Im doomed to live this life.. Im gonna be stuck trying so hard not to let myself do anything id ever regret.. I know that if I had the chance to hold her hand again I would.. Robert invited me to go w/ him, Jen, and Jayna.. (Prolly a few others too) to his aunts beach house.. but I told him I couldnt..

I know that if I went.. Id be swimming when Jayna is swimming.. and Id prolly do what ive done to ever girl Ive liked in the water.. Id become the guy who cant keep his hands off the girl.. Id be carrying her around in the water.. dunking her.. and be extremely flirty...

I know I would.. I did it with Amy 2 years ago.. and I did it w/ and old worldy girl 5 years ago!

And I dont want to do that w/ Jayna.. I care about her too much to let myself do that.. This is killing me.. Im torn between what my Heart, Body, and Mind all want to do.. all 3 have separate agendas..

Mind just wants to remain friends.. till she is at least 25..

Heart wants to start dating now...

Body.. wants to go to the Beach house...

I gotta remain firm.. and stick to my mind.. rightnow its the smartest.. but its not as strong as my heart..

I gotta keep my sences.. I cant let myself do what it wants to...

Im gonna go Watch Inspector Gadget 2 now.. hopefully it will help get my mind off things.

I was just fooling myself before..

It seems it is impossible for me to remain Jayna's friend w/out me falling for her..

Im already falling for her.. and ive only talked to her for an hour total this mornings chat.. and the one we just had..

I was holding my defences up very well.. but she just walked right through them.. she was able to make me start to cry..

I kept calling her sis.. I didnt even realize i was doing it.. but she told me to please stop.. that it was getting annoying..

then she said she misses the old me.. oh man.. I cant even think about that.. its making me tear up right now just thinking about it..

well im gonna go do a bit of studying.. then go to sleep.. this isnt healthy for me.. 'night you guys.

New PS2 game, new CD

Well I bought a new PS2 game today.. Dark Angel.. I loved the TV series. And the game is pretty cool. Nothing like being a sexy geneticly altered super soldier and kicking some major military butt :)

I also got another CD, I got Lacuna Coil [EP] - Lacuna Coil It seems to be a pretty cool cd.. but its very small.. But who cares.. Its a great cd.. by a great band. Im really getting into Gothic Metal lately.. esp the Gothic Metal Bands w/ Female vocals..

Well there went that..

I checked at 12:00 straight up.. and she was online. So we talked for 10min..

Shes perfectly fine w/ the whole thinking of her as a little sister.. she seems less uncomfortable..

I just found out that she didnt know the full extent to how I thought of her.. she asked "Just how did you think of me" thus I replied.. As someone I wanted to spend my life w/. her reply was "Ooh.. wow!" but then I told her that thats pretty much over.. and all she is is a lil sis.

I like this alot better for now.. I dont have to worry as much.. and my heart wont be acheing quite as badly..

well thats it for tonight.. Im going to bed so I can my papers delivered on time.

Just little ole me..

Well I havent chatted or spoke w/ Jayna since Sunday at 4:30PM.. its now friday at 11:55PM

Only thing we did this week was have minimal e-mail corespondence. She told me shes not gonna be on sat-sun cause shes going to spend the weekend at some friends house. and today she went to her Grandparents so she wouldnt be on till late.. well I just looked.. she wasnt on.. so Im just gonna go to sleep.. and save my chats w/ her till sunday night or monday.. whichever one shes on.. I was really hoping to see her online.. I miss her alot.. and really wanted to talk w/ her.. oh well.. life goes on..

sweet dreams everyone. If I hear from her Ill let you know.. If I dont mention speaking to her.. it means I havent talked to her yet. Later..

E-mail last night.....

Well Jayna sent me another e-mail last night.. it said that this week helped both of us get over the person we liked.. for different reasons

it seems this week I wouldnt have gotten to talk to her much anyways.. Its comming down to the last moments for preperation for her school play, Your a Good Man Charlie Brown, so shes spending alot of time at school preparing for it. Also the whole Paul thing isnt going so well.. Seems she still isnt ready to fogive him. And the Josh thing.. Shes over him.. she likes him just as a friend now..

So this week has been amusing to say the least.. lol

I gained a lil sis and a big sis, heard from an old friend who finally wrote in her journal agian :) and downloaded 6 new cds.. Metallica Garage Inc. (2 CD set), Die Krupps - Tribute to Metallica, Legacy of Kings - HammerFall, No World Order - Gamma Ray, and V - Live.

More on Jen (For <lj user="onduck88" />'s eyes only)

Hey AJ, I am making this post for your eyes only.

In addition to what I stated Below about what ive done w/ Jen. Jen has also went out in service w/ me and grandma a few saturdays, shes also been out in service w/ just me and Jared (Book Study Overseer) a few times. So its pretty cool that she thinks of me as a Lil bro. She warmed up to me fast.. and I think she trusts me w/ alot of things when we talk.. cause she knows Ill be honest about it.. and tell her how I feel about it.

We started out e-mailing each other several times aday while she was at work.. but since she got yahoo instant messanger.. we talk practicly every day.. more so Tues and Thurs because those are my Non-Service days.. but mon-fri we talk for at least 2 hours or so..

Well Ill talk to you later.. Should be online tonight.. as my Jayna free week comes to a close tonight.

Looks like Ive got me a Big Sis!

Jen (Jayna's Aunt) told me today she thinks of me as a lil bro, I have been starting to feel like shes my big sis over the last few weeks, this week esp..

Shes always there to talk to, and she was there to give me a ride to and from the hockey game on Sat, we do alot of stuff together. One thing about talking to her.. I know ill never think of her as anything more than a Big sister.. cause shes my Best Friends Girlfriend.. To like her would be very strange.. and go against the bond me and my best freind share. Its the reason why I feel safe talking to her.

Thinking back.. Ive done alot w/ just her.. Shes the one who took me to Jayna's house the weekend I stayed at her house, shes the one who took me home that weekend, and could tell that night that I liked Jayna. She took me to the hockey game, and explained the game to me, and sat next to me, I did feel like I was sitting w/ my big sis that night. She took me home that night.. (It was my duty as the passenger to make sure she didnt fall asleep at the wheel, so me and her talked pretty much the whole way home (while I was sitting as far up as I could trying to see out roberts truck's window, due to extremely Heavy fog. And since she wears glasses she couldnt really see too well so she relied on my good eyes to see for her.) We talked about everything from Amy to Jayna to Jon and Cassie (A couple who just recently started dating, Hes 35, w/ a 7 year old daughter, and he's seeing Cassie, a 19 year old girl, the whole situation just seems odd to the both of us.)

Change of Feelings?

Even tho I still wouldnt mind spending my life w/ Jayna. I was thinking about what it would be like if we did spend our life together. First of all we are both very stuborn.. and neither of us like ot make decisions at all. That would be a hard life. One of us would have to learn to change.. and I dont change very easily.. Also I think im slowly moving from Loving her as the person I want to spend the rest of my life w/ to more of a Sibling relationship. Shes slowly turning into more of a little sister relationship.

Im hoping It does become that relationship.. it will be alot easier! Cause then I would never think of her as a potential marriage mate.. cause that would just be sick!

Well after that little bit.. im gonna go find something else to do.. maybe Ill talk to Jen (Jayna's Aunt) when she gets online.

PC and Pixel

Read PC and Pixel today!

Thanks Emily.. I would have never thought to try "comics.com" for comics :P

A great Anime, now Owned by me :)

My sis brought home a great Anime for me.. I watched it a few years ago.. and LOVED it..

now I finally own it. and the Movie is... PRINCESS MONONOKE

I love this movie.. Tho I wish it were the DVD.. Im very happy to have the VHS:)

Good night all.. hope everything goes well for all of you

An old friend!

I finally was able to talk to an old friend today.. thought she was long gone.. but as evident by her comments.. and her posts in my friends board is back :) I first met her in a Role Playing Board called Dragonmoon, she was the owner of the board, thats where I learned how to RP, and I have used that knowledge to RP in Guild boards, Chats, and 's Msg board.

Im glad I could have the chance to talk to her again.... well im gonna continue to listen to music.. and be online on MSN only.. since its the Only IM that Jayna doesnt have... btw.. xyberdawg@hotmail.com thats my msn

talk to you guys later

Made a mistake

My mistake, was sending her an e-mail to tell her I wouldnt be online.

She called me soon after and first thing she said was "What have I done?". I could tell she was upset, I just told her that she didnt do anything, that it was just that I had to get over her, so I could be her friend w/o wanting to be more.

She didnt wanna get off the phone, but I convinced her that I was doing was better for both of us.

she then sent me a card via Yahoo, it was a picture of a little girl hiding her face, cause she is crying. The message said:

I am really sorry!

What have I done to my dearest friend?! I can't stand the hurt you must feel and it's all my fault. :`(
PPPLLLEEEAAASSSEEE FORGIVE ME! You don't deserve to feel this way... I know what it feels like. But I need to know that you're still my friend. Please know that I will always be here for you and will never leave you for anything. We have so many things in common and that bond can never be broken. To my friend, forgive me! Still Love,

- Jayna

After reading that card I sent her a reassurance letter that she did nothing to cause this. That the reason I have to do this is so that we can be friends again.

I never recieved a reply to that. But I talked to Jen the next day (monday) She said that Jayna was primarily upset cause she was afraid of losing me, and that my family would be mad at her. (same thing I was worried about, I was afraid of losing her, and that her family would be mad at me)

This morning I got an e-mail from her (she sent it last night) the subject was "Where are you when I need you most?" on of her "friends" (Paul) wrote her an e-mail and told her that he had a heart to heart talk w/ the guy she likes (Josh). Josh said that he would never be interested in Jayna as anything more than a friend. Paul tells Jayna this in an e-mail.. as well as "the only thing that would make you attractive is a well placed paperbag".

So right now.. I seriously want to teach that boy some manors.. but Neither Jen, nor Jayna would let me.. Mainly cause I dont think they wanna see me go to jail, or get disfellowshiped. The one thing I cant handle is ppl making my friends and family upset.. that is the only thing someone could do to get me upset. And when I say upset.. I mean angry like the Hulk.. Im just glad that I'm not the hulk.. cause if so.. id be ever so much more dangerous then the comicbook hulk. Cause my anger runs very deep.

I wouldnt be a big green guy, id be a big red guy, take the Juggernats power, the hulks anger, and the Human torches Flame ability.. and you get my comic book representation.

A Losing Battle....

Well.. Im doing whatever I can to try and get over Jayna, but every time I get a little bit over her, she says something, or I see something that reminds me of her, and I go even deeper than I was before. Im a submarine trying to surface, but instead something is pulling me deeper below the ocean.

I spent pretty much all day crying... Noones ever been able to hurt me so much, not my dad, not my good freind who tried to commit suicide on numerous occations, noone can hurt me as much as she has. And yet... I like the feeling.. not the being all emotional part.. but I like the whole caring about someone so much that it really hurts.

The wost feeling in the world.. Falling for someone who doesnt love you back in the same way.

She keeps telling me she wishes she could share my feelings.. but she cant.

She says that im the first one to ever like her. (But I know of several guys who have liked her, so maybe she means like her in the way I like her.) He friend Zach and her mom gave her good adivice, but it sucks for me.

"Don't fall for the first person who likes you."

But I dont just like her.. lots of ppl have liked her, but I love her.

I look at other girls who 3 months ago I may have thought was cute, hot, pretty ect. anymore they are all just faces in the crowd, I honestly cant say how they look w/out thinking of Jayna. Unless Jayna has an exact clone, I could never like anyone else. Its just the way I feel. So I think im gonna revert back to my old idea.. I think im gonna remain single for the rest of my life. I could never love another girl as much as I love Jayna.. and I dont wanna be w/ anyone that I dont love like that.. it would be mean to the other girl.

I made up my mind im gonna take a few days off from the computer.. starting now.. so you prolly wont hear from me in a few days.. mainly cause Im gonna try and see if I can go about a week w/ out her.. then maybe ill talk to her for an hour.. and ill go another week w/ out her.. im gonna try for once a week... this is gonna kill me.. but Its for both of us..