I dreamed about Robert and Jen's wedding last night. It was odd, I already know a few of the details of the wedding, the order of walking sofar that I know is:
Robert and Jen
Dustin and Jayna
Me and Amy (My first Love)
I still think this is gonna be beyond akward, but in my Dream Jayna asked robert and Jen if it would be alright if either I was promoted to bestman, or she was demoted cause she wanted to walk with me, they didnt want to demote her, so they promoted me to bestman. The wedding went very well, after the wedding, came the reception. Me and Jayna danced *ALL* night. We danced as if it just came natural. We slow danced most of the time holding each other tightly, yet gently. It was a perfect example of a "Kodak Moment" that picture will never leave my mind. But I last night.. I dont want to obsess over her, but I have help it.. she is such a great person. To quote a great song. "I dont wanna sleep, I dont wanna Eat, I just wanna Keep on loving..." her, and "I want to spend my lifetime loving.." her. there both great songs even if it turns out Im not "In Love" with her, I think its obvious I care for her more than any other living person alive today.. sadly.. I think I care about her more than my family.. this is really starting to scare me.. I dont want anyone to take me away from my family. but I dont want anything to take me away from her either. My mom banned me from the computer today (the family computer that hooked up to the net) because I stayed up to late talking to her this morning (12:30AM and she had school this morning). but nights are the only time I get to talk to her. I dont get to talk to her till tomarrow after 9:30PM, I am going to dinner with her. but I really miss her.. I cried my self to sleep thinking about the fact that I wouldnt get to talk to her tonight. but I ended up with an awsome nights sleep with some of the best dreams ive had in a long time. So I woke up feeling alot better since I saw her face during the night.
Sheesh.. look at me.. I am Obsessing over her. I never thought id ever do this.. but I am.. I cant think of anything but her. shes the only person I want to think about and the only person I do think about. Figures I just put in my Michelle Branch CD, Guess what song came on.. You get me, our song.
Well Im gonna go before I go absolutly crazy. Later. Ill write more later..
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
Chatting this Morning
I love this girl.. Shes honest with me, and now I know shes not leading me on.. She said so herself. Just read the following Chat log.
janersmoo13: are you sure of what you said last night?
XyberDAWG1984: what is that?
janersmoo13: what you said b4 i got off
janersmoo13:
XyberDAWG1984: No.. im still not sure.. (Im still young im never sure bout anything..) but I am sure I do care for you more than most everything else..
janersmoo13: see no one's ever said that to me or even been in love with me for that matter and it kinda scared me for some reason.. dunno why
XyberDAWG1984: Yeah..
XyberDAWG1984: Ive never had anyone been inlove with me b4 either.. had a few ppl that I know of LIke me.. but never been in love with me..(that I know of)
janersmoo13: i can't say the same, but i do know that i do care about you tons... i just dunno what to think about anything anymore
janersmoo13: are you getting what i'm saying?
XyberDAWG1984: dont worry bout it tho.. were still young.. we got alot to learn b4 we start thinking about relationships..
XyberDAWG1984: Yeah.. Im getting you perfectly
janersmoo13: yea.. good
janersmoo13: good... i mean i'm not leading you on (or at least don't think i am, lol) but i don't know how i feel yet and it may take a while... but we have time
janersmoo13: i'm so glad you get me, haha. many don't
XyberDAWG1984: dont worry.. the feelings mutual my dear.. ive thought I was in love.. but its nothing like how I feel about you.. So I have no Idea what the feeling is... its all new for me..
janersmoo13: yea... def
XyberDAWG1984: and I have no idea what the feeling was that I thought was love before.. SOO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW.. haha
janersmoo13: I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL
XyberDAWG1984: Im starting to realize how little I know.. :)
janersmoo13: lol
XyberDAWG1984: and How much of what I dont know Is what I thought I knew.. :P
janersmoo13: you are the sweetest person i've ever known and that is one of the most admirable traits
XyberDAWG1984: and your a very approacable person, which is also one of the most admirable traits
janersmoo13: i was around phil today and thought "what was i thinking?!" and you are so diff from him... so i dunno what's goin on in my mind
janersmoo13: hehe
XyberDAWG1984: yeah.. it will all sort out eventually.. (and we have eternity to wait.. so no worries..)
janersmoo13:i just don't want you getting obsessed with me or anything so soon... so try not to think about me too much :-p lol
Sheesh, Even when shes trying to make sure that I dont obsess about her, I find her cute, and I dont know.. these feelings are so new.. I have no Idea what this is I feel for her. Shes just so... I dont know.. I hate not knowing.. but at the same time its exciting.
janersmoo13: are you sure of what you said last night?
XyberDAWG1984: what is that?
janersmoo13: what you said b4 i got off
janersmoo13:
XyberDAWG1984: Love ya more than I ever have.. (ok.. its officiall.. im
now inlove w/ya.. think its impossible to say i can still just like ya
and have this much love for ya.. :P)
XyberDAWG1984: No.. im still not sure.. (Im still young im never sure bout anything..) but I am sure I do care for you more than most everything else..
janersmoo13: see no one's ever said that to me or even been in love with me for that matter and it kinda scared me for some reason.. dunno why
XyberDAWG1984: Yeah..
XyberDAWG1984: Ive never had anyone been inlove with me b4 either.. had a few ppl that I know of LIke me.. but never been in love with me..(that I know of)
janersmoo13: i can't say the same, but i do know that i do care about you tons... i just dunno what to think about anything anymore
janersmoo13: are you getting what i'm saying?
XyberDAWG1984: dont worry bout it tho.. were still young.. we got alot to learn b4 we start thinking about relationships..
XyberDAWG1984: Yeah.. Im getting you perfectly
janersmoo13: yea.. good
janersmoo13: good... i mean i'm not leading you on (or at least don't think i am, lol) but i don't know how i feel yet and it may take a while... but we have time
janersmoo13: i'm so glad you get me, haha. many don't
XyberDAWG1984: dont worry.. the feelings mutual my dear.. ive thought I was in love.. but its nothing like how I feel about you.. So I have no Idea what the feeling is... its all new for me..
janersmoo13: yea... def
XyberDAWG1984: and I have no idea what the feeling was that I thought was love before.. SOO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW.. haha
janersmoo13: I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL
XyberDAWG1984: Im starting to realize how little I know.. :)
janersmoo13: lol
XyberDAWG1984: and How much of what I dont know Is what I thought I knew.. :P
janersmoo13: you are the sweetest person i've ever known and that is one of the most admirable traits
XyberDAWG1984: and your a very approacable person, which is also one of the most admirable traits
janersmoo13: i was around phil today and thought "what was i thinking?!" and you are so diff from him... so i dunno what's goin on in my mind
janersmoo13: hehe
XyberDAWG1984: yeah.. it will all sort out eventually.. (and we have eternity to wait.. so no worries..)
janersmoo13:i just don't want you getting obsessed with me or anything so soon... so try not to think about me too much :-p lol
Sheesh, Even when shes trying to make sure that I dont obsess about her, I find her cute, and I dont know.. these feelings are so new.. I have no Idea what this is I feel for her. Shes just so... I dont know.. I hate not knowing.. but at the same time its exciting.
Thinking about a dream
I keep thinking about that dream I used to have.. The Dream where I was standing outside what appears to my my old house at 5054 western ave. Olivehurst, CA. The Entire house seemed like it was relocated to a new area, with no fences as far as the eye could see just rolling green hills. It was an awsome sight. Then a hand wraps around me from behind. Before it was a shadow, but I just associated it with Amy cause thats who I thought I loved. Now I associate it with Jayna, but now its not just cause Im in love with her, its cause she loves me too, The possibility of that person being her is very strong. But I know its not Absolute, alot can happen in time. She could decide that she was just confused right now, and it was just hormones speaking, cause she enjoys the attention and the fact that I truly care about her. And she may be impressed with my sweet/kind remarks to her, and the fact that with her I just always seem to know just what to say to make her feel better. I also tend to think just like her, may be thats why she likes me.. cause we think just alike so were feeling the same feelings for each other.
Some people think I think WAY too much, Sometimes I think I do too. According to alot of tests and quizzes ive taken on the net even call me an empath (Someone who can feel, or Sence emotions) Which I guess is true, I am able to sence exactly how Jayna feels just by her current writing style, I can see what appears to me to be Amy's true self thats hidden far beneath her skin. Seems Odd that I do "Peirce the Soul" so to speak, yet Jayna said that thats what she loves about Josh, that when Josh looks into her Eyes she feels that hes looking deep inside her.. But right now hes my only competition over her love.. but I dont care.. ill just be myself and if she chooses me in the future than ill be happy, but if she chooses Josh then Ill be happy as long as he treats her right, and someday in the future Ill find someone else who will fill the girl in my dream.
Some people think I think WAY too much, Sometimes I think I do too. According to alot of tests and quizzes ive taken on the net even call me an empath (Someone who can feel, or Sence emotions) Which I guess is true, I am able to sence exactly how Jayna feels just by her current writing style, I can see what appears to me to be Amy's true self thats hidden far beneath her skin. Seems Odd that I do "Peirce the Soul" so to speak, yet Jayna said that thats what she loves about Josh, that when Josh looks into her Eyes she feels that hes looking deep inside her.. But right now hes my only competition over her love.. but I dont care.. ill just be myself and if she chooses me in the future than ill be happy, but if she chooses Josh then Ill be happy as long as he treats her right, and someday in the future Ill find someone else who will fill the girl in my dream.
Sunday, January 26, 2003
Another Dream?
I dreamed about Robert and Jen's wedding last night. It was odd, I already know a few of the details of the wedding, the order of walking sofar that I know is:
Robert and Jen
Dustin and Jayna
Me and Amy (My first Love)
I still think this is gonna be beyond akward, but in my Dream Jayna asked robert and Jen if it would be alright if either I was promoted to bestman, or she was demoted cause she wanted to walk with me, they didnt want to demote her, so they promoted me to bestman. The wedding went very well, after the wedding, came the reception. Me and Jayna danced *ALL* night. We danced as if it just came natural. We slow danced most of the time holding each other tightly, yet gently. It was a perfect example of a "Kodak Moment" that picture will never leave my mind. But I last night.. I dont want to obsess over her, but I have help it.. she is such a great person. To quote a great song. "I dont wanna sleep, I dont wanna Eat, I just wanna Keep on loving..." her, and "I want to spend my lifetime loving.." her. there both great songs even if it turns out Im not "In Love" with her, I think its obvious I care for her more than any other living person alive today.. sadly.. I think I care about her more than my family.. this is really starting to scare me.. I dont want anyone to take me away from my family. but I dont want anything to take me away from her either. My mom banned me from the computer today (the family computer that hooked up to the net) because I stayed up to late talking to her this morning (12:30AM and she had school this morning). but nights are the only time I get to talk to her. I dont get to talk to her till tomarrow after 9:30PM, I am going to dinner with her. but I really miss her.. I cried my self to sleep thinking about the fact that I wouldnt get to talk to her tonight. but I ended up with an awsome nights sleep with some of the best dreams ive had in a long time. So I woke up feeling alot better since I saw her face during the night.
Sheesh.. look at me.. I am Obsessing over her. I never thought id ever do this.. but I am.. I cant think of anything but her. shes the only person I want to think about and the only person I do think about. Figures I just put in my Michelle Branch CD, Guess what song came on.. You get me, our song.
Well Im gonna go before I go absolutly crazy. Later. Ill write more later..
Robert and Jen
Dustin and Jayna
Me and Amy (My first Love)
I still think this is gonna be beyond akward, but in my Dream Jayna asked robert and Jen if it would be alright if either I was promoted to bestman, or she was demoted cause she wanted to walk with me, they didnt want to demote her, so they promoted me to bestman. The wedding went very well, after the wedding, came the reception. Me and Jayna danced *ALL* night. We danced as if it just came natural. We slow danced most of the time holding each other tightly, yet gently. It was a perfect example of a "Kodak Moment" that picture will never leave my mind. But I last night.. I dont want to obsess over her, but I have help it.. she is such a great person. To quote a great song. "I dont wanna sleep, I dont wanna Eat, I just wanna Keep on loving..." her, and "I want to spend my lifetime loving.." her. there both great songs even if it turns out Im not "In Love" with her, I think its obvious I care for her more than any other living person alive today.. sadly.. I think I care about her more than my family.. this is really starting to scare me.. I dont want anyone to take me away from my family. but I dont want anything to take me away from her either. My mom banned me from the computer today (the family computer that hooked up to the net) because I stayed up to late talking to her this morning (12:30AM and she had school this morning). but nights are the only time I get to talk to her. I dont get to talk to her till tomarrow after 9:30PM, I am going to dinner with her. but I really miss her.. I cried my self to sleep thinking about the fact that I wouldnt get to talk to her tonight. but I ended up with an awsome nights sleep with some of the best dreams ive had in a long time. So I woke up feeling alot better since I saw her face during the night.
Sheesh.. look at me.. I am Obsessing over her. I never thought id ever do this.. but I am.. I cant think of anything but her. shes the only person I want to think about and the only person I do think about. Figures I just put in my Michelle Branch CD, Guess what song came on.. You get me, our song.
Well Im gonna go before I go absolutly crazy. Later. Ill write more later..
Chats
Sheesh.. Me and Jayna are increasingly growing closer. We tell each other everything.. even what I never thought id ever do.. I admited to Jayna that I like her, after she admited she liked me.. Just look at the Following exerpt from our chat..
XyberDAWG1984: hmm.. im gonna start to think ya LIKE me or something.. :P haha
janersmoo13: what would make you think that?!
XyberDAWG1984: haha..
janersmoo13: didn't you know b4?!
XyberDAWG1984: I knew.. haha.. but every day its more and more clear.. :-)
janersmoo13: hehe
janersmoo13: same here.... i think... right?!
XyberDAWG1984: Yupperz.. hehe
janersmoo13: whew
XyberDAWG1984: gotta watch it though.. pretty soon im gonna end up fallen over ya.. :P haha
janersmoo13: lol uh oh
XyberDAWG1984: not that that a bad thing.. haha
janersmoo13: see i dunno right now tho cuz i'm kinda confused over everything else, lol
XyberDAWG1984: haha..
XyberDAWG1984: thats ok.. your young your allowed to be confused!
XyberDAWG1984: Im young too.. Im nearly allways confused.. haha
janersmoo13: righto
janersmoo13: so just gimme time
janersmoo13: to figure things out that is
XyberDAWG1984: An me.. hehe
janersmoo13: ok good
I said yep. She seemed like she was scared that I was gonna say no. Like shes been reading me wrong this whole time. As if she thought I was a sweet kind person who talked to her like I liked her, but really I just thought of her as a sister, so I cared for her like one. But that certainly isnt the case. I told her lastnight that Ive finaly fallin in love with her, cause its impossible for someone to have as much love for a another, and just like the person. I got a BIG awe in reply.
We agreed that we were too young, but she said to give her a some time to figure things out, as shes still confused right now. I told her I understood completely.. She already knows (I think) that I never planned on looking for a relationship untill I was older, at least 23 or 25. But everyday that goal is seeming harder to stick to.. as I love her so much. But I also love her so much that I dont want to hurt her so Im gonna stick to my plan.. as long as we wait no matter what happens should be a good thing.
XyberDAWG1984: hmm.. im gonna start to think ya LIKE me or something.. :P haha
janersmoo13: what would make you think that?!
XyberDAWG1984: haha..
janersmoo13: didn't you know b4?!
XyberDAWG1984: I knew.. haha.. but every day its more and more clear.. :-)
janersmoo13: hehe
janersmoo13: same here.... i think... right?!
XyberDAWG1984: Yupperz.. hehe
janersmoo13: whew
XyberDAWG1984: gotta watch it though.. pretty soon im gonna end up fallen over ya.. :P haha
janersmoo13: lol uh oh
XyberDAWG1984: not that that a bad thing.. haha
janersmoo13: see i dunno right now tho cuz i'm kinda confused over everything else, lol
XyberDAWG1984: haha..
XyberDAWG1984: thats ok.. your young your allowed to be confused!
XyberDAWG1984: Im young too.. Im nearly allways confused.. haha
janersmoo13: righto
janersmoo13: so just gimme time
janersmoo13: to figure things out that is
XyberDAWG1984: An me.. hehe
janersmoo13: ok good
I said yep. She seemed like she was scared that I was gonna say no. Like shes been reading me wrong this whole time. As if she thought I was a sweet kind person who talked to her like I liked her, but really I just thought of her as a sister, so I cared for her like one. But that certainly isnt the case. I told her lastnight that Ive finaly fallin in love with her, cause its impossible for someone to have as much love for a another, and just like the person. I got a BIG awe in reply.
We agreed that we were too young, but she said to give her a some time to figure things out, as shes still confused right now. I told her I understood completely.. She already knows (I think) that I never planned on looking for a relationship untill I was older, at least 23 or 25. But everyday that goal is seeming harder to stick to.. as I love her so much. But I also love her so much that I dont want to hurt her so Im gonna stick to my plan.. as long as we wait no matter what happens should be a good thing.
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Pondering....
Odd.. I was thinking of something Jayna has said twice sofar. The first time was when I told her I was listening to "How do I live" by Trisha Yearwood was quite a while ago, the second was when she was listening to the Leanne Rhymes version. She said to me "all i know is that i can't sleep right if i don't say goodnight or talk to you". It scared me the first time, but at the same time made me feel very loved. But the second time she said it, I really started to wonder, it seemed very odd the first time, but now a second time... I had no Idea what to say... One thing I can say is she manages to surpise me everytime I talk to her, and im not easy to surprise, she also takes my breath away with comments like that, I just hope shes not just leading me on with comments like that.. also I hope I dont lead her on either. I really dont wanna break her heart. (Id rather my heart be broken than hers)
Hmm.. Quite a applicable song right now too..
Hmm.. Quite a applicable song right now too..
Nightmare!
This morning was the first nightmare thats ever really scared me. It played on one of my BIGGEST fears, the fear of losing Jayna.
It was incredibly realistic, It started as if I was sleeping on my bed (Just like i really was) then I was awoken by my cell phone with a very famillier ring "In the End - Linkin Park". So I reached over and picked it up, it said Jayna so I answered it with "Hey Hun!" and her mom answered with something like I dont like you spending that much time with my Jayna and then Click. My heart sunk, I had no Idea what just happend. But I knew what i heard. I felt devistated, but that was nothing to what came next, I started to think of a way to let Jayna know I cant spend as much time talking to her WITHOUT breaking her heart. I couldnt do it. Nothing I could think of wouldnt break her heart. And since I directly told Jayna I would NEVER break her heart for any reason, I had no Idea what to do.. I couldnt go against her mom, but I also couldnt go against my promise. I was so confused, and so torn. I woke up a while after that.. I was roasting, I woke up litterally nervous about the idea that I might lose Jayna because of that. Then i realized it was a dream.. But im still absolutly petrified of the idea i could lose her..
It was incredibly realistic, It started as if I was sleeping on my bed (Just like i really was) then I was awoken by my cell phone with a very famillier ring "In the End - Linkin Park". So I reached over and picked it up, it said Jayna so I answered it with "Hey Hun!" and her mom answered with something like I dont like you spending that much time with my Jayna and then Click. My heart sunk, I had no Idea what just happend. But I knew what i heard. I felt devistated, but that was nothing to what came next, I started to think of a way to let Jayna know I cant spend as much time talking to her WITHOUT breaking her heart. I couldnt do it. Nothing I could think of wouldnt break her heart. And since I directly told Jayna I would NEVER break her heart for any reason, I had no Idea what to do.. I couldnt go against her mom, but I also couldnt go against my promise. I was so confused, and so torn. I woke up a while after that.. I was roasting, I woke up litterally nervous about the idea that I might lose Jayna because of that. Then i realized it was a dream.. But im still absolutly petrified of the idea i could lose her..
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